If I could describe in one word the first 40 years of my spiritual life, it would be isolation. Four decades of thoughts about the interplay between me, my life, my family, my career and God stayed locked within my head – hardly ever seeing the light of day. What was it? Or more accurately why was it? Why would I perseverate over my seemingly insurmountable problems or deep questions of life without letting anyone else in? That segues into another one word explanation – fear. Fear that my shaky faith would be exposed. Fear of opening up to the “wrong” person. Fear of others judgements – “Jay has problems? But he seems to have it all together.”
So there you have my decades long journey. Struggles, problems, and questions holed up in the prison of my own head and the bars of fear preventing any chance of freedom.
“… I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” (Genesis 3:10 NIV).
What was I going to do for a job? Where should I live? Why does my child have a chronic illness? Why is my marriage not perfect? Why don’t I have any close friends? Everyday. Questions upon questions eating away at my soul because most never seemed to receive an answer. And brother I have seen this exact hopeless incarceration with so many men in my life. And I suspect if you aren’t there now you’ve been there in the past. It’s the sickness of masculinity – age old but accentuated with the iCulture of individuality, separation and self-centeredness.
But God was gracious with me. Gracious to let me fail and suffer. Yep that’s right! I didn’t appreciate it when I was in the midst of two lawsuits and a struggling marriage. And just like God allowed Adam to try to become his own god – “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God…” (Genesis 3:5 NIV) – he left me to my own devices. Be your own god, he whispered. And let’s see how that turns out for you! For so many years I thought and schemed, finagled and cajoled, trying to get life to work. To work the way I thought it should. But as my world was falling apart around me, God was beginning to dismantle my selfishness – and my isolation.
I remember calling out in the quiet of my car (humbly nicknamed the Chapel of Saint Acura because of the myriad discussions I’ve had with my Lord during rush hour since then). God I can’t figure this out. Please help me. Guide me.
And do you know what happened next? Nothing! Well nothing perceptible. God did not shake heaven and earth for me. The microscopic environment of my heart began to change – shifting one grain of sand at a time. On the macroscopic level nothing seemed to budge. But the internal humility, the declaration that I am not god, is all God needed to begin his work. The process was so slow. Painfully slow.
“I cry out to you, God, but you do not answer; I stand up, but you merely look at me.” (Job 30:20 NIV)
What I understand looking back is the hindrance to change was not God’s incapability but my enormous fortress of pride that I had built my whole life on. And just like a photographers lens, God began to bring the sin of my pride into crystal clear focus. The answers began to come. Why do I have problems with my wife? Pride. Why do I lack close relationships? Pride. Why do I lack sturdy faith? Pride. Lack trust in God’s love? Pride. Pride. Pride.
So if the reason for isolation was pride, God revealed to me that the answer to it was humility. “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” (Proverbs 11:2 NIV)
And once God sensed my heart was at a place of true vulnerability and openness His grace began to pour down on me. Several events orchestrated by Him came in rapid fire sequence – a powerful men’s hike where I was able to recommit my relationship with my Saviour and Friend Jesus, a ski retreat with close friends discussing deep philosophical questions, a Wild at Heart boot camp in Colorado, and a chance to lead a men’s hike and a small group. This was coupled with a newfound burning desire to immerse myself in the gospel both in the Bible and through the transcendent writings of Christian authors. In addition one of my best lifelong friends moved back to Charleston. And in a way that only God could direct, my friend provided me with hard earned Christian wisdom and counsel while I was able to provide him with inspiration and faithfulness. And through holy circumstances this blossomed into the addition of two more friends. Though we meet weekly, we love, support, guide and pray for each other daily.
The deception of isolation had been crushed by the true promise of intimate fellowship with my wife (I could no longer point the finger of pride at her and claim “it’s all your fault”), with the life sustaining community with my band of brothers, and with the unfaltering truth that God is relational to His very core. From the beginning God has been in an inexorable, inseparable relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit – each part of the Trinity loving and glorifying the other. In addition, on this earth Jesus was in close relationships with his disciples every step of his ministry. And today the greatest desire of Jesus is to be in a full, soul tied friendship with me and you. If the sustainer of this universe needs others, it shows us the supreme power of intimate relationships and the great deception of isolation.